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I've decided to go public with my intentions: I will not be asking Ann Coulter for a date. There are some good reasons.

First, I'm married. Second, there is a substantial age differential. And, third, I fear rejection.

While reading Coulter's book, How to Talk to Liberals (If You Must), I thought about the prospects.

A single, middle-aged guy who's still trying to look like he's in his 20s would make a perfect match. But before you pick up the phone to pop the question, there are some things you need to know.

Keep in mind, for example, that Ann Coulter is relatively good looking. "Relative to what?" you ask. "A '58 Buick? Tapioca? Phyllis Schlafly?"

Yes.

You'll also want to know that Coulter was born and raised in the Bubba Belt. That's important. Not because she's Ann Coulter, but because it's a date. Any guy who's opened the door for feminist, been called a chauvinist and then jabbed with an upper right (knee) knows all about this. Coulter is no feminist. You will open the door for her. And if you don't, you may get jabbed with an upper right.

And that brings me to another announcement. Thursday, April 1, all the women of the world are to meet in my living room. If you are a feminist, you will be tattooed with an X on your forehead. If you are not a feminist, you will be marked with an O. That will end door-opening offenses for women and considerable pain for men.

Back to our date with Coulter.

You will pick her up at her stylish Washington, D.C. apartment, say, 5ish. When you first see the flow of long blond hair covering the left-side of her face [see photo here], you may want to raise your eyebrows twice. That's body language. It means "hubba-hubba" in Bubbaland. However, the significance of the left-face covering should not be noticed. Just gaze into her gorgeous right eyeball.

The preferred date for the evening will be the NBA game. The Indiana Pacers will be playing the Detroit Bullets-oops-Pistons. Granted, it's an unlikely event in Washington, but this is an imaginary date. Don't get excited.

Small talk in route to the event will be in order. You will notice Coulter loves words that no one can use or understand, except for her and William F. Buckley, Jr. The most common is "felonious." According the dictionary.com, the word is defined as "adj., relating to anyone Ann Coulter finds disagreeable."

It also works well in titles. There was Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted and, according the Coulter, Bill Clinton the Felonious Liar.

Sitting somewhere in the arena will be interesting. Coulter will glare with her right eye at the massive structure and lament that its lugubrious bathos was built with lachrymose tax dollars by schadenfreude liberals; all words found on pages 128 and 129 of her book.

Not to worry. Excuse yourself during the first fight and go to the gift shop in the lobby. You'll want to buy a voice-activated electronic dictionary with a LCD screen. There is no gift shop, but there is the hair-coming-out-his-nose hotdog stand guy and -- just your luck -- he's still got a few electronic dictionaries for $14.95; $16.95 with mustard.

Back in the stands, you can now understand Coulter. Contretemps, you learn, means, affliction; epiphanic means something akin to religious, and @#%&* (page 309) means Hillary's serious about running for president.

Wise guy that you are, you'll want to have a bit of humor ready when the Pacers and Pistons square off in row 12. While Artest is punching an epiphanic (page 105) fan in the nose, you will turn and look Coulter in the eye and quip, "Geez, I didn't know these guys could play hockey!!"

If she sniggles (not in her book), you've made a hit. If she rambles on about why white hockey players don't get fined for fighting because they're, uh, white, then you've got a ways to go.

With the game over, it's time to escort Coulter to a fine dining establishment. At your date's behest, you mark Ben and Jerry's off the list. Chinese sounds good and if you can't understand your waiter, does it matter? You can't understand your date, either.

The conversation turns to politics. (Who woulda known.) Coulter's right eye gleams as she rants about feminist cornpones (page 235), gun owners' rights and the need to squarsh the IRS like a bug. So far so good. You decide you may have met your match.

But then you bring up civil liberties and Coulter tussles her hair and - gasp! - she has a left eye after all. Her right eye now covered, she goes apoplectic over the smarminess of the war on drugs (pages 246 and 44.) "It's not about drugs," you explain. "It's about personal rights."

Her left eye glares.

"You know," you add, "like the Patriot Act."

Her left eye bugs out.

Enough is enough, you decide. Noting the O tattooed on her forehead, you get to pick up the tab. And the tip.

The evening ends when you walk Coulter to the door of her crib and give her a friendly kiss her on her tattoo. "No wonder," you surmise, "the Libertarians in Connecticut didn't want her on their ticket."

Your conclusion is ineluctable (page 30.)

http://www.writersbureau.org

Subaru Gives Tribeca a Nose Job

In the past, the Subaru Tribeca has been avoided by many auto buyers for different reasons. One of these reasons is that it is highly priced. Another reason is that even with its expensive price tag, the Tribeca packs little power compared to similarly priced vehicles. And the most notable reason is probably the distinctive nose of the luxury midsize crossover SUV which is considered as ‘ugly’ by some auto critics and buyers alike.

The Japanese automaker has heard the complaints against the Tribeca and has set out to make it more appealing to auto buyers. That is why the Tribeca for the 2008 model year has been given a nose job by Subaru. Formerly known as the Subaru B9 Tribeca, it has dropped half of its name to be simply called as the Subaru Tribeca.

Aside from giving it a nose job, the new Tribeca was also refined in its performance and interior accommodation. A refined engine will come with the 2008 Tribeca to make it more powerful compared to its forerunner. Better materials are also used inside the luxury crossover SUV.

The Tribeca is available as either a five- or a seven-seater crossover. Since it is marketed by the Japanese automaker as a luxury vehicle, it could cost almost $40,000. That price tag moves the nameplate against established luxury brands such as Lexus, BMW, Cadillac or Audi. With a less powerful engine and that price tag, the past version of the Tribeca surely had a tough fight in its hand. But with the revisions for the 2008 model year, the Tribeca can stand its own in the competitive segment.

The distinct front end of the Tribeca has been replaced with a more conventional one in an effort to make it look better to consumers. The result gives the Tribeca a better-looking front end. Although that alone could not revive interest in the nameplate, the redesign would make consumers consider the Tribeca for their next purchase.

Another revision made to the new Tribeca is done under its hood. The past model of the midsize luxury crossover SUV was equipped with a 3.0-liter six-cylinder engine with an output of 245 horsepower. For the 208 model year, the Tribeca will be equipped with a 3.6-liter six-cylinder engine which can produce as much as 256 horsepower and 247 pound feet of torque. In comparison, the engine used by the old Tribeca only produced 215 lb-ft of torque.

As a Subaru, it is expected that the Tribeca should have an all-wheel drive system. This drivetrain system is complemented by a refined gearbox. According to the Japanese automaker, the transmission of the new Tribeca is the same as the one used on the 20007 B9 Tribeca. But Subaru also said that the transmission has been refined to provide smoother gear changes.

The Tribeca will be competing with many nameplates including the Ford Edge, Mazda CX-7 and CX-9, Buick Enclave, Saturn Outlook, GMC Acadia, Toyota Highlander, Honda Pilot and the Ford Taurus X. It can be expected that the price of the new Tribeca will remain in the same range as its predecessor’s. For that, one could own the new Tribeca and everything that comes with it including the whole lot of Subaru repair manuals and other accessories and features.

About the Author

Anthony Fontanelle is a 35-year-old automotive buff who grew up in the Windy City. He does freelance work for an automotive magazine when he is not busy customizing cars in his shop.

i have a 83 buick regal and need a front grill and nose. i was wondering if any other year is compatable?

yea....try the junkyard...while your at it leave the car there!

Locals remember the Beecher Tornado
The tornado season has begun with one touching down in Dundee last Sunday, leaving a path of destruction. On June 8, 1953, 57 years ago, a tornado devastated the Beecher area of Flint. Local residents remember the storm that killed 116, injured 900 and destroyed more than 300 homes.

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